Fear and Trembling

Working out My Faith

‘Cuz I gotta have faith… February 1, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 3:50 pm

I picked up a book in Barnes and Nobles last night- Diary of a Bad Year by J.M. Coetzee.  Interestingly, (strangely, ironically, coincidentally- whatever you have it) I flipped to an entry about faith/religion/Christianity.  The jist of the section was how major world religions deal with the afterlife (if they purport to having one at all).   Christianity being one that does deal with the afterlife and is ambiguous as to what it will be like.  Very specifically the author asked if the soul had a memory.  Could the soul when in eternal glory or desolation remember its prior life and understand why it found itself in its present predicament?  Is there a link between this life and the next through the soul?

Coetzee states this is very ambiguous and difficult to decipher in Christianity, therefore, making Christianity null and void.  He seems to lump most religions that believe in an afterlife into this same category– my guess is he is an atheist, but this is only a guess.  

Mr. Coetzee strikes me as an intelligent man, very logical and precise.  And so  his line of rational bothered me.  I found myself thinking about it and understanding from where his doubt arose.  But when I was driving to work this morning I realized something fundamentally different with his line of thought than that of a Christian.  His premise is completely different.

His  initial belief  is our soul should think, feel, remember and know and is important.  The premise being that our soul exists unto itself, for the glory of itself.   Yet, the  body  is a carrier of that soul; unaffect by its cargo.  Somehow the body and its workings can determine eternity for the soul through its actions, but the soul remains helpless of input into that body.  In the end the body dies leaving the soul to deal with the eternal consequences.  It seems a rather injust predicament for the soul.  Especially, as Coetzee noted, the soul has no recollection of its prior life and is suffering eternal damnation for it doesn’t know what.  He doesn’t like this outcome and rejects Christianity for what he feel is its lack of answer to this contradiction.  I don’t blame him. 

But I don’t agree with his initial premises.

In Christianity our souls are important, but they derive their importance from a Holy God.   Our soul was created to be with God but our bodies sinned against Him.  He is something altogether different from what our human brains recognize and hearts feel now that sin has tarnished our bodies.  We are body and soul and they effect each other.  And both are ultimately creations of a sovreign Creator.  We do not exist unto ourselves, for our glory.  We exist for His.  Someday God will judge our souls according to what our bodies did, but we have choice while in this body.  Our soul is allowed to affect our body.  There is a link, that while not well understood, exists.  And if we are creation- why do we think we need to understand that link?

And now enters faith.  How do you decide which premise to believe?  Either at it’s end cannot be scientifically answered or observed.  Both on some level require a measure of faith.  But I think the Christian premise is right. 

I find it ironic one of the things Coetzee can’t get over is one of the reasons I think there is a God. Human selfishness.  He can’t seem to get past that we should be in the driver’s seat.  Well- I can’t either, but Christianity offers me an eternal reprieve from that need to control.  Christianity offers me an explaination of why it exists and how to get around it.   We are a creation.  This is fundamental. 

Humans do alot of creating, building, making- we have a hard time thinking we need to yield ourselves to something bigger because we are always understanding and trying to build bigger things.  We have yet to find our limit and so we assume we have no limit.  We are in no need of a higher being, an outside control.    But there’s the inconvience of death-what do we do with that?  Well, we’ll think up an afterlife where good is rewarded and bad is punished.  We’ll create something else that helps us get on with our day.  Some will reject that, but what does it matter if its made up for our convience anyway.  But this coping mechanism with death- our limit, still puts us as the solution.  That won’t work.  If we are the problem, our finite lives is the problem, we cannot come up with the solution.

There must actually be something else!  There must be someone else in charge.  (The atheist thinks there is nothing else.  We are all just kidding ourselves.  Point noted.  Still faith though!)

And so I arrive that there is a God. And if He is in control a certain amount of humility should be instilled in me.  But then sin and our separation from God re-enters.  I don’t want to be humble.  I want me first!  My body and my soul are at odds.  And a history of human awfulness is evidence of it.

This is a dilema indeed.  Again, one Coetzee may have arrived at, found no solution in himself or pop culture Christianity, so he negates and rejects the whole endeavor.  Many people do this.  I don’t blame them.  I feel a similar hopelessness some days too.

But, historically, factually, scientifically there is a possible solution.  A man named Jesus existed.  He claimed to be the Son of God.  He claimed to forgive sin and allow a reconcilliation of body with soul, of man with God.  He who knew no sin became sin on our behalf that we might be the righteousness of God.  Not only is the Creator in control, He is sympathetic to our condition.  He didn’t remain separated, He entered our sitution.  We are no longer orphans, but sons and share the inheritance.  I don’t think there is a historian that will dispute these claims where made.  Do you believe them…well.. that’s faith.

 

My prayer for Haiti January 25, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 5:07 pm

The Lord has been stirring my heart for Haiti for a long time now. I just can’t shake it.  I can’t go back to my suburban 9-5 life.  At some point everyday I hear something and it reminds me.  It stops me.  It makes me want to cry or yell out for the people there, the relief workers, the children, the lives lost.

This is my prayer for that nation, those people.

Father God I pray and anxiously expect your manifest presence in Haiti.  Sing over that nation- the people.  Sing so loudly and clearly that confusion is calmed; turn desparation to generosity; self-preservation to selfless sacrafice.

Lord Jesus I pray a regime change over Haiti.  Drive out the spirit of oppression, of poverty, of corruption.  I trust that the earthquake shook and destroyed the very foundations of those spirits in that nation.  Break strong holds there.  Father I ask not just for a new government, but Your Kingdom and culture to invade the hearts of  the people of the land. 

Father you know the people of Haiti have humble hearts, awe-filled hearts.  They are open to things that Your Holy Spirit can do.  Do those things!  Over flow their cups, lift their eyes from humility to healing.  Let them feel awe like they never knew- give that awe and wonder Your name!

Abba, Daddy- be close to the broken hearted.  Hold them in your arms like a father rocks a baby.  Salve the wounds.  Restore what has been lost.   Whisper to them you are good.

Holy Spirit strengthen the people working there.   Give them focus, knowledge, discernment.  Keep them from harms way.  Bring unity and one-mindedness to the people, governments, and agencies there to help.

In our weakness Your strength is made perfect.  Let anything that happens in Haiti bring glory to You- that no one can boast, but only in Your goodness, provision, and providence.

Father, You are good.  You are sovereign.  We thank you now for the tangible and wonderful ways in which You will bless Haiti.  We praise You and bless Your name!

Seal this with your Spirit and in the name of Jesus- Amen.

 

So I’m on a Jon Foreman kick… January 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 10:12 pm

This song is very bittersweet to me.  I feel like I’m going through this growing up phase again and this song hits to the core of my struggle.  All my idealism and fairy tale endings don’t look like they should on this fallen planet.  Instead I am learning how to give my life away so that I may live.  And in my head and somewhere deep in my heart I know that this is valiant, true, heroic, ideal, but my emotions see it as hard, cruel and lonely.   I don’t have this worked out neatly either.  I just know for now I need alot of faith to “learn to die.”

I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you
When you’re gone
She says, I love you
I’m gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don’t talk about the end
Don’t talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I’ve got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don’t talk about the end
Don’t talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,
All along I thought
I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die
Die, die
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die

 

Why do I freak out? January 9, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 3:35 am

by jon foreman

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let Your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

Give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you’ve found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us, today, our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

 

I and Love and You December 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 2:29 am

I love this song.  I love this album.  I don’t know if it’s that the Avett brothers and I are both in our late 20-somethings and so we have arrived at similar conclusions about love.  Or if we are all on some freaky similar wavelength due to star-crossed fates. (Considering my left-brained way of thinking, I opt for the former over the later.)  Whatever the reason, I get the cynnicism and the hope.  I understand that sometimes protecting your heart is good, and sometimes protecting your heart is bad and sometimes you don’t know which situation you find yourself in…

I and Love and You

Load the car and write the note
grab your bag and grab your coat
tell ones that need to know
we are headed north

one foot in and one foot back
but it don’t pay to live like that
so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
for never to return

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

when at first i learned to speak
i used all my words to fight
with him and her and you and me
oh its just a waste of time
its such a waste of time

that women shes got eyes that shine
like a pair of stolen polished dimes
she asked to dance i said its fine
ill see you in the morning time

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
what you were then i am today
look at the things i do

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

dumbed down and numbed my time and age
you dreams to catch this world the cage
the highway sets the travelers stage
all exits look the same
three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you
i and love and you

 

It’s been a long time coming… November 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 12:08 am

(truely-even on my bad days like today…) the snow is gone!

 

Birds beneath my window dustying their wings upon the lawn
I hear them in the morning light giving last amen to a migratory song
They’re never looking round for me—their eyes are on the sky or the ground below
But I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

You were beautiful when I first saw your feathers and confectionery airs
Like the earth it up and promised you the stars but you really didn’t care
I sang in exultation pulled the stops—you always looked a little bored
But I’m singing for the love of it—have mercy on the man who sings to be adored

Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone
OOOOOOOOH!

I’m underneath your window now—it’s long after the birds have gone to roost
And I’m not sure if I’m singing for the love of it or for the love of you
But I’ve flown a long way honey hear my confession then I’ll go
I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello brown one, hello blue one
Last night’s feathers exchanged for new ones
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

-josh ritter

 

Dr. L November 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 1:55 pm

Dr. Lancaster was a teacher and clinic director at dental school while I was there.  He also led the school Bible study and befriended me during one of the most difficult times in my life.  He constantly encouraged me and gads of other students.  His ability to love us in the midst of  our blatent selfish ways and self-absorbed problems astounds me still. 

Dr. Lancaster has been living with CF, cystic fibrosis, his whole life.  It is a disease that mainly affects your pancreas and lungs.  The results are: 1.  you cannot absorb calories efficiently so you end up eating 6-7K calories a day in hopes of maintaining your weight and getting nutrients.  2.  thick, mucus builds up in your lungs, making gas exchange increasingly impossible.  CF patients usually have short lives, in the 20’s and 30’s unless they have lung transplants. 

Well, thankfully, Dr. L has had that- a double lung transplant to be exact.  Praise Jesus, right?!  Yes, would be his answer.   But after seeing the havoc a transplant organ, especially one resposible for your breathing, can wreck on a person, I might answer differently.  But after numerous bouts of pnemonia, acute rejection, collapsed lungs, countless medications and their side effects, innumerable days laying in a hospital bed, weakness, fatigue, cancer and its treatments (oh yeah, he had that too!), and  Icould go on.   Dr. L continues to praise God.  He continues to trust Jesus.  He has his bad days as the blog I pasted below will convey.  But in the worst of human suffering that I can figure or as close as I’ve gotten- he just presses in closer to Jesus.  I don’t know if I’d have the faith. 

I don’t know if I would be able to thank God for a malfunctioning set of transplant lungs, but I know I am so grateful that men of Dr. L’s faith exist.  I’m pray God creates this kind of faith in me.   Here is a copy of one of his blogs.  Keep him in your prayers.

“Well, I know it’s been a long time since my last posting, and I just took a look at my last posting…boy was it depressing. I am sorry I left you thinking that I had lost all hope. Truth is, it has been a battle the last month. That cut that I suffered on my leg got infected and I had to go back into the hospital for IV antibiotics. Four weeks later it is now looking better but has a long way to go . My leg is swollen and the laceration hurts most of the time.”

“I have received many prayers and get well cards during this time, and I want to thank all of you for them. God has brought so many great people into our lives to help out. Our neighbors have been mowing our lawn every week for us! People have taken me to doctors’ appointments and even gone with me to the emergency room. You know how long those can take. Today my mom took me to the dental school to pick up my office stuff that had been packed up, and we got to visit with all of the faculty, staff and students. I must say it was a really good time. I don’t miss the school that much, but I did miss the people. It really cheered me up! My mom is an angel. She pushed me around the school in my wheelchair and I am sure it wore her out.”

“Basically the last 4 weeks have been full of lots of ups and downs for me, both physically and emotionally. Which is why I haven’t felt like blogging. I felt like I would just let all of you down because I just didn’t have anything really positive to relay. I have spent many days focusing on how much I have lost in the past 10 months. I went from working full time and being able travel, play with my son, swim in our pool, go on long walks with my wife, etc. Now I can’t do any of those. I was letting it bring me down and I was having trouble not being angry with God. I have a pretty strong relationship with Christ, yet I was still getting angry and feeling sorry for myself. For instance, this week I had to go to the emergency room, and then the next day I had to go back to the hospital because I thought I had a collapsed lung. I have been in lots of pain and just very weak. Yesterday I told God I was miserable with my life and couldn’t take it anymore. Guess what, He heard me. Today I have felt more cheerful and physically I feel much better.”

“God allows us to wander away and get angry, and stop looking to Him for our comfort. But He only allows it for a time. Eventually you have to come back to Him. I had to break down and cry out to him for help. That’s exactly what I did yesterday, and today He graciously put His arms around me for comfort. My problems are all still here but He is letting me handle them much better. I hope you can take my experiences and let God take care of you the same way.”

 

From my fav blog- Fail Blog October 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 8:04 pm

epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails

 

An experiment… October 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 4:37 pm

Since I’ve started dating Will, I’ve noticed something about myself.  I’m uber emotional. 

Seriously- like crazy, get my feelings hurt, too sensitve, too easily worked up, completely give in to my hormones, emotional.  Now don’t go telling him I said that or anyone else for that matter… its our little secret.

In some ways being this emotional is not a bad thing.  It has caused me to jump in, both feet, into project and situation that have allowed me to love people.  While I am easily hurt, I’m also easily excitable.  I may be sensitive, but I’m sensitive with others… you get the idea. 

But as of recently I’ve started to consider how much of my decision making is done as an emotional outburst.  And the ugly truth is- alot.

So I’ve been trying lately not to get so bent out of shape.  I’m trying to keep my perspective, look at things that are true,  not worry about things I can’t change and have grace for people.    I realize what I consider to be true and unchangable may vary from most people, but this I file under “unchangable” and so therefore, I am not worried.  (This and my complete and utter lack of spelling skills).

I still find myself feeling the emotions.  Intense as ever.  I’m trying not to let them dictate thoughts, behaviors.  Its hard. Really hard! 

For instance- trusting that Will really loves me.  Some days my emotions are high, I’m happy and surely we will get married and live happily ever after!  And then I have a bad day.  And then he is not to be trusted.  He is going to trample my heart. I can’t trust him.  Facts are, Will has never been anything but kind to me.  He is honest, diligent, works hard, has integrity and does what he says he will do.  He is human so at some point, yes, he will hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that we shouldn’t get married… ah-der! No!  He has been trustworthy, so I need to trust him. 

[Then I start thinking about if that trust gets broken, forgiveness and how hard that emotional battle would be-- AH!  I'll get to that hurdle when I get there!  Baby steps...]

Facts are facts, but truth is something you can trust.  At the same time, truth requires faith at times.  And I’m learning my feelings act very adversely in times I need faith.  So perhaps I’m not trying to be less emotional, but more faithful when I find myself caught up in the torrent of my emotions.

 

And after dust comes… October 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyanncretella @ 2:38 pm

I saw the movie, Where the Wild Things Are, this past weekend.  I can’t shake it. 

The movie ends with no hope, no real redemption.  We, humans (Wild Things), are left on this planet to eventually turn to dust.  And as the lead Wild Thing, Carol,  states, “I don’t know what’s after dust.”

I know!  There is more than dust.  There is more than a series of emotional outbursts in an attempt to ease aches, or fill holes in our hearts.  We don’t just try and love the best we can so that in the end of ends we just have to know we will hurt each other.  We don’t have to accept pain and loneliness as a final sentence written over our lives.  I’m sorry Mr. Jonez and Eggers.  You are wrong.

There is a King.  There is a person who walked this earth.  He loved us so much He gave Himself to be devoured by our own selfish desires.  Isn’t that what Judith wanted?  “If I [Judith] said I wanted to eat you then you are supposed to say okay, because you love me.”  Max couldn’t fulfill this role.  Everyone hears and realizes the finite ability of Max’s love.  It only lasts up to death, but death, like hurt or loneliness always wins.  Or does it? 

Christ gave Himself unto death.  We even celebrate that gift with Communion- we actually “eat” the body of Christ.  Exactly what Judith says she wants.  But Christ wasn’t defeated by death.  He was not given over to dust.  He rose from the grave- body and soul.  He is and was and will be the only thing than can be consumed by our selfishness, our sin and still come out King.  He doesn’t share our emotional imperfections.  He doesn’t hurt the people He loves.  He is the opposite of this.  Altogether Holy.

We will live in a place someday with no more hurt.  No more lonely people.  No more anger or frustation.  No more sins that need forgiven.  We will love the people we love perfectly.  There will be no sad tears, anxiety, no worry of global warming or who was right or wrong.  When we see our Savior’s face everything will be right.  There is a King.  He is the King.

This Carol- this is what comes after dust.