It’s been a long time coming… November 11, 2009

(truely-even on my bad days like today…) the snow is gone!

 

Birds beneath my window dustying their wings upon the lawn
I hear them in the morning light giving last amen to a migratory song
They’re never looking round for me—their eyes are on the sky or the ground below
But I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

You were beautiful when I first saw your feathers and confectionery airs
Like the earth it up and promised you the stars but you really didn’t care
I sang in exultation pulled the stops—you always looked a little bored
But I’m singing for the love of it—have mercy on the man who sings to be adored

Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone
OOOOOOOOH!

I’m underneath your window now—it’s long after the birds have gone to roost
And I’m not sure if I’m singing for the love of it or for the love of you
But I’ve flown a long way honey hear my confession then I’ll go
I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello brown one, hello blue one
Last night’s feathers exchanged for new ones
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

-josh ritter

Dr. L November 4, 2009

Dr. Lancaster was a teacher and clinic director at dental school while I was there.  He also led the school Bible study and befriended me during one of the most difficult times in my life.  He constantly encouraged me and gads of other students.  His ability to love us in the midst of  our blatent selfish ways and self-absorbed problems astounds me still. 

Dr. Lancaster has been living with CF, cystic fibrosis, his whole life.  It is a disease that mainly affects your pancreas and lungs.  The results are: 1.  you cannot absorb calories efficiently so you end up eating 6-7K calories a day in hopes of maintaining your weight and getting nutrients.  2.  thick, mucus builds up in your lungs, making gas exchange increasingly impossible.  CF patients usually have short lives, in the 20’s and 30’s unless they have lung transplants. 

Well, thankfully, Dr. L has had that- a double lung transplant to be exact.  Praise Jesus, right?!  Yes, would be his answer.   But after seeing the havoc a transplant organ, especially one resposible for your breathing, can wreck on a person, I might answer differently.  But after numerous bouts of pnemonia, acute rejection, collapsed lungs, countless medications and their side effects, innumerable days laying in a hospital bed, weakness, fatigue, cancer and its treatments (oh yeah, he had that too!), and  Icould go on.   Dr. L continues to praise God.  He continues to trust Jesus.  He has his bad days as the blog I pasted below will convey.  But in the worst of human suffering that I can figure or as close as I’ve gotten- he just presses in closer to Jesus.  I don’t know if I’d have the faith. 

I don’t know if I would be able to thank God for a malfunctioning set of transplant lungs, but I know I am so grateful that men of Dr. L’s faith exist.  I’m pray God creates this kind of faith in me.   Here is a copy of one of his blogs.  Keep him in your prayers.

“Well, I know it’s been a long time since my last posting, and I just took a look at my last posting…boy was it depressing. I am sorry I left you thinking that I had lost all hope. Truth is, it has been a battle the last month. That cut that I suffered on my leg got infected and I had to go back into the hospital for IV antibiotics. Four weeks later it is now looking better but has a long way to go . My leg is swollen and the laceration hurts most of the time.”

“I have received many prayers and get well cards during this time, and I want to thank all of you for them. God has brought so many great people into our lives to help out. Our neighbors have been mowing our lawn every week for us! People have taken me to doctors’ appointments and even gone with me to the emergency room. You know how long those can take. Today my mom took me to the dental school to pick up my office stuff that had been packed up, and we got to visit with all of the faculty, staff and students. I must say it was a really good time. I don’t miss the school that much, but I did miss the people. It really cheered me up! My mom is an angel. She pushed me around the school in my wheelchair and I am sure it wore her out.”

“Basically the last 4 weeks have been full of lots of ups and downs for me, both physically and emotionally. Which is why I haven’t felt like blogging. I felt like I would just let all of you down because I just didn’t have anything really positive to relay. I have spent many days focusing on how much I have lost in the past 10 months. I went from working full time and being able travel, play with my son, swim in our pool, go on long walks with my wife, etc. Now I can’t do any of those. I was letting it bring me down and I was having trouble not being angry with God. I have a pretty strong relationship with Christ, yet I was still getting angry and feeling sorry for myself. For instance, this week I had to go to the emergency room, and then the next day I had to go back to the hospital because I thought I had a collapsed lung. I have been in lots of pain and just very weak. Yesterday I told God I was miserable with my life and couldn’t take it anymore. Guess what, He heard me. Today I have felt more cheerful and physically I feel much better.”

“God allows us to wander away and get angry, and stop looking to Him for our comfort. But He only allows it for a time. Eventually you have to come back to Him. I had to break down and cry out to him for help. That’s exactly what I did yesterday, and today He graciously put His arms around me for comfort. My problems are all still here but He is letting me handle them much better. I hope you can take my experiences and let God take care of you the same way.”

From my fav blog- Fail Blog October 23, 2009

see more Epic Fails

An experiment… October 23, 2009

Since I’ve started dating Will, I’ve noticed something about myself.  I’m uber emotional. 

Seriously- like crazy, get my feelings hurt, too sensitve, too easily worked up, completely give in to my hormones, emotional.  Now don’t go telling him I said that or anyone else for that matter… its our little secret.

In some ways being this emotional is not a bad thing.  It has caused me to jump in, both feet, into project and situation that have allowed me to love people.  While I am easily hurt, I’m also easily excitable.  I may be sensitive, but I’m sensitive with others… you get the idea. 

But as of recently I’ve started to consider how much of my decision making is done as an emotional outburst.  And the ugly truth is- alot.

So I’ve been trying lately not to get so bent out of shape.  I’m trying to keep my perspective, look at things that are true,  not worry about things I can’t change and have grace for people.    I realize what I consider to be true and unchangable may vary from most people, but this I file under “unchangable” and so therefore, I am not worried.  (This and my complete and utter lack of spelling skills).

I still find myself feeling the emotions.  Intense as ever.  I’m trying not to let them dictate thoughts, behaviors.  Its hard. Really hard! 

For instance- trusting that Will really loves me.  Some days my emotions are high, I’m happy and surely we will get married and live happily ever after!  And then I have a bad day.  And then he is not to be trusted.  He is going to trample my heart. I can’t trust him.  Facts are, Will has never been anything but kind to me.  He is honest, diligent, works hard, has integrity and does what he says he will do.  He is human so at some point, yes, he will hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that we shouldn’t get married… ah-der! No!  He has been trustworthy, so I need to trust him. 

[Then I start thinking about if that trust gets broken, forgiveness and how hard that emotional battle would be-- AH!  I'll get to that hurdle when I get there!  Baby steps...]

Facts are facts, but truth is something you can trust.  At the same time, truth requires faith at times.  And I’m learning my feelings act very adversely in times I need faith.  So perhaps I’m not trying to be less emotional, but more faithful when I find myself caught up in the torrent of my emotions.

And after dust comes… October 19, 2009

I saw the movie, Where the Wild Things Are, this past weekend.  I can’t shake it. 

The movie ends with no hope, no real redemption.  We, humans (Wild Things), are left on this planet to eventually turn to dust.  And as the lead Wild Thing, Carol,  states, “I don’t know what’s after dust.”

I know!  There is more than dust.  There is more than a series of emotional outbursts in an attempt to ease aches, or fill holes in our hearts.  We don’t just try and love the best we can so that in the end of ends we just have to know we will hurt each other.  We don’t have to accept pain and loneliness as a final sentence written over our lives.  I’m sorry Mr. Jonez and Eggers.  You are wrong.

There is a King.  There is a person who walked this earth.  He loved us so much He gave Himself to be devoured by our own selfish desires.  Isn’t that what Judith wanted?  “If I [Judith] said I wanted to eat you then you are supposed to say okay, because you love me.”  Max couldn’t fulfill this role.  Everyone hears and realizes the finite ability of Max’s love.  It only lasts up to death, but death, like hurt or loneliness always wins.  Or does it? 

Christ gave Himself unto death.  We even celebrate that gift with Communion- we actually “eat” the body of Christ.  Exactly what Judith says she wants.  But Christ wasn’t defeated by death.  He was not given over to dust.  He rose from the grave- body and soul.  He is and was and will be the only thing than can be consumed by our selfishness, our sin and still come out King.  He doesn’t share our emotional imperfections.  He doesn’t hurt the people He loves.  He is the opposite of this.  Altogether Holy.

We will live in a place someday with no more hurt.  No more lonely people.  No more anger or frustation.  No more sins that need forgiven.  We will love the people we love perfectly.  There will be no sad tears, anxiety, no worry of global warming or who was right or wrong.  When we see our Savior’s face everything will be right.  There is a King.  He is the King.

This Carol- this is what comes after dust.

I ripped this one off… October 13, 2009

My friend, Christina Heaston, had this on her blog.  It was too good to pass up.  I figure she wrote it, cuz she pretty much is awesome.  I’m blessed to know her.  Here it is:

If it isn’t boots and water and October and confusing things.
If it isn’t your hands and your eyes and your mouth.
If it isn’t second chances and forgotten intensity.
If it isn’t wondering the size of your very own heart.
If it isn’t two souls in wanting.
If it isn’t sleeping on the left side of the bed.
If it isn’t being intentional and being assertive.
If it isn’t hand written letters postmarked 2005.
If it isn’t the very second you told me I was wrong.
If it isn’t lies and secrets and empty parking lots.
If it isn’t random happenings and exploding hearts.
If it isn’t simpler times and fresh flowers every Wednesday.
If it isn’t being silent-if it isn’t being still.
If it isn’t the reason I broke into your house on the fifth.
If it isn’t conflicting emotions and feeling empty somedays-
if it isn’t the reincarnation of feeling and being whole somedays.
If it isn’t cloudy signals and singing in your car.
If it isn’t every single feeling.
If it isn’t your six-foot-one frame.
If it isn’t in your DNA.
If it isn’t feeling the universe shift.
if it isn’t repeating everything we don’t understand.
If it isn’t as awkward as ever.
If it isn’t being guided by your heart.
If it isn’t my streams of consciousness.
If it isn’t the way you always manage to sound intelligent without ever really answering my question at all.
If it isn’t those rare moments when you really understand.
If it isn’t being completely overwhelmed by the selflessness of another.
If it isn’t me wanting to know every single thing buried so deep inside your heart.
If it isn’t letting you change all my plans.
If it isn’t creative and receptive.
If it isn’t your weak analogies to help me understand what I already know.
If it isn’t the laugh lines that leak into your eyes.

If it isn’t these things.
What is it then,  that true love is made up of?
Pieces of what?

I do not know.

Awake o’ sleeper! October 5, 2009

The same voice that spoke the sun to rise will call to us.   The breathe that called us from dirt, will call us back from dirt.   What will He sound like?

Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is weighing heavy now
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

You are not the only one
Who feels like the only one
Night soon will be lifted friend
Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise

Rise, rise, rise, rise….
Shine, shine, Oh shine
We will shine
We will rise
We will shine, shine, shine

-david crowder band

Does God speak to me? It’s Undeniable… September 28, 2009

As I was getting ready for work this morning I was praying God would encourage me today.  Specifically, I asked He would play some song on the radio when I was driving in, that He would do it in some way that I couldn’t think it was me or coincidence etc.  I wanted to know it was Him.  I ran through a list of songs He could play… my playlist for Him…. kinda silly, I know. 

I called my sister on my drive; asking her to pray for me today.  Radio turned down.  As I hung up I start humming an old Mat Kearney song… dodo dooo doo da.. walk on, walk on… turn up the radio.. and “dodo dooo doo da.. walk on, walk on…”  It starts playing… the title of the song “Undeniable.”  This song wasn’t on my playlist- but seriously?!  I didn’t contrive this one, this one isn’t coincidence.

The people and the circumstances of the song are different from my own.  But the solution is the same…  “You’re the only one who caught the other line…the one I can’t  deny.”

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn
Broke a yawn, as a I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it’s frozen, it’s gone when I open
It slipped passed the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning
If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You’re the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You’re the only one when this world collides
The one that I can’t deny

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

It’s my last year here
My first class moved to portable ‘a’
Under construction since summer
And it’s cold today
I can see my breath, and what’s left of the west parking lot
And all the spaces that we fought
And it all seems forgotten, left in the bottom
In past piles of rubble, in puddles of rain water
That hurt last night when I left like that
When I won’t come back
Speaking my peace to the past
I can’t help but wonder, who is this wind at my back
A whisper to walk on, come on from all that

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

How am I gonna take it away in this winter wind
You found me on a summer breeze
How am I gonna run away when the autumn breaks
Now that you found me in the spring
Come on and sing it out

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

By Grace, Through Faith September 24, 2009

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins  in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body  and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”   Ephesians 2:1-3

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”  Jeremiah 17:9.

This is how the Bible describes the condition of my heart at its natural state.  Aside from Jesus my heart is dead in tresspass.  It is decietful.  I cannot even understand the depth of its depravity.

I don’t like this.  I don’t like to think my natural tendencies are bent on destruction.  I’d like to think that I can do some good on my own and because of that God let’s me in on His plan and then I can be capable of doing more and better  good.  But that’s not what the Bible says, is it?

And there are moments, like this morning, I realize the ugly truth that I have to accept before I can get past it.

I was doing 3 fillings on a young girl patient.  Simple fillings, easy fillings.  But she would just not open her mouth, her face twisted as if she was in agony.  When I asked her if she was hurting she said no.  And as the appointment wrapped up I found myself wanting to just yank her mouth open. 

And that… that is me without Jesus.  That is my gut reaction when something doesn’t go exactly how I want it.  And at its core it is self-serving, mean, impatient,  and unkind.  I hate this.   I hate realizing this. 

So what is to be done?  Well– nothing.  I don’t have it in me to do it.  But if I keep reading in Ephesians…

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,  even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—  and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,  so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.”

God has extended the gift of grace, salvation through faith.  Having grown up around church and in church I find I take this for granted.  I forget how much I need it.  I start to think I can do something good on my own.  Moments like today reveal my heart to me.   God allows me to see my depravity so I might not perish, but be given the opportunity to accept His gift.  Its more mercy than I can comprehend!

A moderately embarrassing confession… September 14, 2009

“Hey little mama, uh-huh, that’s me!  So why don’tcha go to McDonalds with me.  I’m not vey nice and I don’t look good, so why don’tcha get outta my neighborhood.  I’m tired of your face all covered with zits.  This isn’t the place to talk about this!  Let’s go on home.  Let’s hit the streets.  Let’s grab a comb and brush our teeth!”   -Matt Hubbell

Circa 1995, while walking home from track practice with Kate Hubbell, my best friend in all the 5th grade world, that little ditty would be “rapped.”   I think our mom’s dropped us on our heads…

Oh, Kate Hubbell- whatever happened to you?