Does God speak to me? It’s Undeniable… September 28, 2009

As I was getting ready for work this morning I was praying God would encourage me today.  Specifically, I asked He would play some song on the radio when I was driving in, that He would do it in some way that I couldn’t think it was me or coincidence etc.  I wanted to know it was Him.  I ran through a list of songs He could play… my playlist for Him…. kinda silly, I know. 

I called my sister on my drive; asking her to pray for me today.  Radio turned down.  As I hung up I start humming an old Mat Kearney song… dodo dooo doo da.. walk on, walk on… turn up the radio.. and “dodo dooo doo da.. walk on, walk on…”  It starts playing… the title of the song “Undeniable.”  This song wasn’t on my playlist- but seriously?!  I didn’t contrive this one, this one isn’t coincidence.

The people and the circumstances of the song are different from my own.  But the solution is the same…  “You’re the only one who caught the other line…the one I can’t  deny.”

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn
Broke a yawn, as a I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it’s frozen, it’s gone when I open
It slipped passed the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning
If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You’re the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You’re the only one when this world collides
The one that I can’t deny

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

It’s my last year here
My first class moved to portable ‘a’
Under construction since summer
And it’s cold today
I can see my breath, and what’s left of the west parking lot
And all the spaces that we fought
And it all seems forgotten, left in the bottom
In past piles of rubble, in puddles of rain water
That hurt last night when I left like that
When I won’t come back
Speaking my peace to the past
I can’t help but wonder, who is this wind at my back
A whisper to walk on, come on from all that

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

How am I gonna take it away in this winter wind
You found me on a summer breeze
How am I gonna run away when the autumn breaks
Now that you found me in the spring
Come on and sing it out

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It’s unforgettable now that we’ve come this far
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable

Humbled September 10, 2009

If I think about the lyrics of this song– if  I really think about  the implications of “Holy”– I’m undone…

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life “its” name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Colorblind May 26, 2009

This song popped up on my Pandora playlist…. forgot how much I love it— “taffy stuck and tongue tied”  Uhhh!  It kills me!

random trivia:  Adam Duritz, the lead singer- his dreads are fake.  They are clip in’s!  Can you believe it!  Next thing you’re gonna tell me Santa is really my parents!!

Colorblind by Counting Crows

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine
I am  fine
I am fine

Every bottle of perfume always ends up on the floor in a mess… May 9, 2009

I don’t know how to start this… It will be a year this weekend since I graduated from dental school.  Since I left that geographic stronghold of Satan they call Indiana University School of Dentistry… Praise Jesus!  I say that some in jest and some quite seriously. 

I was at a concert tonight thinking about how far away that time seems.  The year itself flew by, but who I am now, compared to who I was then— I really don’t know where to start. 

I am close to my family.  I am in a beautiful city.  I am no longer taking medication to keep me functional.  I have a group of wonderful friends. My job is secure and provides more than I need.  I’m healthier than I’ve been in years.  I attend a church where people take Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit more seriously than they do themselves.  My life a year ago didn’t look a thing like it does now.  My circumstances are far better.

But best of all- and I think more importantly, more than I realize- my heart is healing.  I haven’t arrived.  That’s why I don’t say its “healed.”  But it is on the mend.  From what? you ask.  I’m not completely sure.  There are people, things, circumstances that over the past 8 years or so really injured me.  Deep wounds were inflicted- some by my own bad decisions.. okay okay– most. 

But I stood there listening to John Mark McMillan sing, “…the love of God is stronger than the power of death…”  “…all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory…” “World, I have overcome you, World I have overcome by my song and the blood of a Son.”  And I just wanted to yell out- AMEN! HALLELUIAH!   And really- I wouldn’t peg me as a pentacostal.  But there is this overwhelming thing inside me that understands what he is singing about.

This is not to say I won’t have bad days, that I don’t worry unneccesarily, that I have got everything figured out.  Seriously, read my last post-  I so ain’t got it together.  But Jesus does.  And He doesn’t care that I’m a neurotic mess.  He never has.  He’ll never hold it against me.  I don’t have to measure up.  I don’t have to hide.  I don’t have to carry shame.  Who the Son has set free- He is free indeed.  And I’m only starting to comprehend that freedom.

I wish I could muster some big words, something eloquent.  But words are failing me now.  I just know, that  I know, that I know… Jesus loves me.  Somewhere and time in this past year that idea and the reality of it intersected with my life.  And I’m learning to trust the promise, “that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

A dedication… April 26, 2009

I haven’t met you yet.  This is our song…

If I could trace the lines that ran
Between your smile and your sleight of hand
I would guess that you put something up my sleeve
Now every time I see your face the bells ring in a far-off place
We can find each other this way I believe

From the hills and up behind, my town
is naked from the horizon down
The curvature is pressed against the raise
We walked up in the fields alone
And the silence fell just like a stone
That got lost in the wild blue and the gravel grey

Come and find me now

Though I’m here in this far off place
My air is not this time and space
I draw you close with every breath
you don’t know it’s right until it’s wrong
You don’t know it’s yours until it’s gone
I didn’t know that it was home ‘til you up and left

Come and find me now

I keep you in a flower vase
With your fatalism and your crooked face
With the daisies and the violet brocades
And I keep me in a vacant lot
In the ivy and forget-me-nots
Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days

Come and find me now

-josh ritter

Drunkard’s Prayer April 21, 2009

I know I post alot of lyrics… Sometimes- most times- other people just have a better way of saying it…  This is a little band from Ohio outside Cinnci- Over the Rhine, song is Drunkard’s Prayer….

You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

You’re the hunger
On my bones
All the nights
I sleep alone

Sweet intoxication
When your words
Wash over me

Whether or not
Your lips move
You speak to me

Like an ocean
Without waves
You’re the movement
That I crave

And in that motion
I long to drown
And be lost not to be found
You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

Red Right Ankle April 19, 2009

This is the story of your red right ankle
And how it came to meet your leg
And how the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed

And how it whispered “Oh, adhere to me
For we are bound by symmetry
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb.”
This is the story of your red right ankle.

This is the story of your gypsy uncle
You never knew ‘cause he was dead
And how his face was carved and rife with wrinkles
In the picture in your head.

And remember how you found the key
To his hide-out in the Pyrenees
But you wanted to keep his secret safe
So you threw the key away.
This is the story of your gypsy uncle.

This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed.

Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you
This is the story of your red right ankle

                                                       -the decemberists

Death in His Grave April 1, 2009

I’m pretty much in love with this song right now… 

Death in His Grave  by John Mark McMillan

Though the Earth Cried out for blood
Satisfied her hunger was
Her billows calmed on raging seas
for the souls on men she craved

Sun and moon from balcony
Turned their head in disbelief
Their precious Love would taste the sting
disfigured and disdained

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke with keys
Of  Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

So three days in darkness slept
The Morning Sun of righteousness
But rose to shame the throes of death
And over turn his rule

Now daughters and the sons of men
Would pay not their dues again
The debt of blood they owed was rent
When the day rolled a new

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke holding keys
To Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

He has cheated
Hell and seated
Us above the fall
In desperate places
He paid our wages
One time once and for all

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke with keys
Of Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

(W)holly Yours March 22, 2009

Everytime I hear these lyrics I feel like I could cry.  Slowly,  stutteringly, with large setback and huge leaps ahead I’m starting to understand my Savior.  Through His immeasurable grace and patience He reveals Himself to me.    And more and more I don’t understand why.  

I see who I am without Him- Truly I am dirt.  Truly there is nothing good or pure or honest in me.  I am nothing but a clod of mud.  Yet, the Creator of the Universe breathed life into me.  And because of Him alone petals of beauty, truth and love can be manifest in my life.  I don’t understand my salvation somedays.  I don’t know why a God so perfect and Holy would have anything to do with me.  

But He is love and I am His creation… and so I reap the awesome benefits to this incredibly one-sided love affair.  Praise Jesus, Lover of Dirt and Grower of Flowers.

“I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt”

-david crowder