That he’ll probably forget our anniversary, but knows the color options for a 1972 Corvette (or any other year for that matter). 

He really won’t forget our anniversary. 

He is confident. 

He is strong-willed, but not big-mouthed. 

He has steely grey blue eyes. 

I love the shape of his lips. 

He loves Dumb and Dumber too.  

He is strong, but not unyielding. 

He is kind. 

He is level-headed and doesn’t give in to my emotional spasms (while in the midst of an emotional spasm sometimes I find this equally lovable and annoying). 

He is patience. 

He takes what I say so seriously, and yet, he doesn’t   

He doesn’t make me sit through movies that scare me or upset me.  And he doesn’t think I’m lacking for being that way.

He is honest.  He is so bad at lying and its so obvious he doens’t even try.  This is one of my favorites about him.

I love kissing him (Don’t go all “ewww ” on me!  You like kissing your husband or fiancee too. If you don’t, stop reading this immediately and go work that one out.)

He drove a blue S10 when we met (he just wrecked it!)  I like he can drive a truck and doesn’t feel like it has to be a symbol of his manhood.

Steve McQueen and Cary Grant are his favorite actors.

He has a way of looking at me that makes my knees wobbly and yet I could run to him in the same moment.

He is secure.

When he says I’m beautiful, he says it for my benefit, not his.

He’s a good driver.

I love him.  I love him.  I cannot wait to be his wife.  I find myself wanting to love him better and more and more learning how to do that for his sake, not mine.  Its hard, but for the first time I’m understanding the difference.

70 days!

I quit my old job.  I got engaged.  I got a new job.  I moved in with my parents. I’m planning a wedding.  I got another year older.  I found grey hairs in my head.  I haven’t been very good at running.  I got a membership to the Pickens YMCA.  I found a cake, photographer, and venue for the wedding.  I found a dress.  I cancelled my membership to the Pickens YMCA.  I got my oil changed.  I did my first bone graft.  I started several books.  I haven’t finished them yet.  I laughed, I cried, I probably cried again (oh heck, throw crying in there like 50 times-its my favorite).

All the while me and God have been on iffy terms.  Don’t mistake me on that one… Perfection + human = messy, I don’t think the “perfection” is the problem in the equation.  I’ve been struggling to say the least.  I mean- read my last post.  Its kinda embarrassing.  Everytime I reread that I just want to comment to myself “You’re full of s*&%.”   Its just a classic example of how I approach God with my brain and not my heart. 

I was thinking before I started writing this about which is more important in a relationship- brain/head knowledge or your heart- epecially our relationship with God.  I mean He says the heart is above all decietful, but he also says He wants our hearts.  He also says to transform your mind, to be renewed in this way.  That He wants us to have deep, intimate knowledge about Him.

With medicine death can be defined in a couple ways… 1. cardiac arrest- the heart stops beating.  The brain is usually still telling theheart to beat, but its only a matter of time before oxygen deprivation will cease to allow this to work  . or 2. Lack of brain waves. We can have a machine to artificially beat our heart/pump blood, but without brainwaves- what kind of “life” do we have?  It seems both are necessary for life to its fullest.

And I think the natural is a shadow of the supernatural.  Our bodies need both a brain and a heart, the same way our spirits do.  We need to approach God with our minds, but we also need love pumped through our bodies by our heart or things will fail.  We will go into spritual arrest… and its only a matter of time until we give up.  So this morning when we sang this song I understood it in a different way- because I’m struggling with this, but I’m struggling.  I haven’t given up.  I won’t.

Peel back our ribs again
and stand inside of our chest.
We just wanna’ love you
We just wanna’ love you

Peel back the veil of time
And let us see You with our naked eyes
We just wanna’ love you
We just wanna’ love you

We want your blood to flow inside our body
We want your wind inside our lungs
We just wanna’ love you
We just wanna’ love you

Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity
On the lips of the found
And gravestones roll
To the rhythm of the sound of you
Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity
On the lips of the found
So separate those doors
And let the son of resurrection in.

Oh let us adore the
Son of Glory drenched in love
Open up your gates before him
Crown Him, stand Him up

Coetzee states this is very ambiguous and difficult to decipher in Christianity, therefore, making Christianity null and void.  He seems to lump most religions that believe in an afterlife into this same category– my guess is he is an atheist, but this is only a guess.  

Mr. Coetzee strikes me as an intelligent man, very logical and precise.  And so  his line of rational bothered me.  I found myself thinking about it and understanding from where his doubt arose.  But when I was driving to work this morning I realized something fundamentally different with his line of thought than that of a Christian.  His premise is completely different.

His  initial belief  is our soul should think, feel, remember and know and is important.  The premise being that our soul exists unto itself, for the glory of itself.   Yet, the  body  is a carrier of that soul; unaffect by its cargo.  Somehow the body and its workings can determine eternity for the soul through its actions, but the soul remains helpless of input into that body.  In the end the body dies leaving the soul to deal with the eternal consequences.  It seems a rather injust predicament for the soul.  Especially, as Coetzee noted, the soul has no recollection of its prior life and is suffering eternal damnation for it doesn’t know what.  He doesn’t like this outcome and rejects Christianity for what he feel is its lack of answer to this contradiction.  I don’t blame him. 

But I don’t agree with his initial premises.

In Christianity our souls are important, but they derive their importance from a Holy God.   Our soul was created to be with God but our bodies sinned against Him.  He is something altogether different from what our human brains recognize and hearts feel now that sin has tarnished our bodies.  We are body and soul and they effect each other.  And both are ultimately creations of a sovreign Creator.  We do not exist unto ourselves, for our glory.  We exist for His.  Someday God will judge our souls according to what our bodies did, but we have choice while in this body.  Our soul is allowed to affect our body.  There is a link, that while not well understood, exists.  And if we are creation- why do we think we need to understand that link?

And now enters faith.  How do you decide which premise to believe?  Either at it’s end cannot be scientifically answered or observed.  Both on some level require a measure of faith.  But I think the Christian premise is right. 

I find it ironic one of the things Coetzee can’t get over is one of the reasons I think there is a God. Human selfishness.  He can’t seem to get past that we should be in the driver’s seat.  Well- I can’t either, but Christianity offers me an eternal reprieve from that need to control.  Christianity offers me an explaination of why it exists and how to get around it.   We are a creation.  This is fundamental. 

Humans do alot of creating, building, making- we have a hard time thinking we need to yield ourselves to something bigger because we are always understanding and trying to build bigger things.  We have yet to find our limit and so we assume we have no limit.  We are in no need of a higher being, an outside control.    But there’s the inconvience of death-what do we do with that?  Well, we’ll think up an afterlife where good is rewarded and bad is punished.  We’ll create something else that helps us get on with our day.  Some will reject that, but what does it matter if its made up for our convience anyway.  But this coping mechanism with death- our limit, still puts us as the solution.  That won’t work.  If we are the problem, our finite lives is the problem, we cannot come up with the solution.

There must actually be something else!  There must be someone else in charge.  (The atheist thinks there is nothing else.  We are all just kidding ourselves.  Point noted.  Still faith though!)

And so I arrive that there is a God. And if He is in control a certain amount of humility should be instilled in me.  But then sin and our separation from God re-enters.  I don’t want to be humble.  I want me first!  My body and my soul are at odds.  And a history of human awfulness is evidence of it.

This is a dilema indeed.  Again, one Coetzee may have arrived at, found no solution in himself or pop culture Christianity, so he negates and rejects the whole endeavor.  Many people do this.  I don’t blame them.  I feel a similar hopelessness some days too.

But, historically, factually, scientifically there is a possible solution.  A man named Jesus existed.  He claimed to be the Son of God.  He claimed to forgive sin and allow a reconcilliation of body with soul, of man with God.  He who knew no sin became sin on our behalf that we might be the righteousness of God.  Not only is the Creator in control, He is sympathetic to our condition.  He didn’t remain separated, He entered our sitution.  We are no longer orphans, but sons and share the inheritance.  I don’t think there is a historian that will dispute these claims where made.  Do you believe them…well.. that’s faith.

This is my prayer for that nation, those people.

Father God I pray and anxiously expect your manifest presence in Haiti.  Sing over that nation- the people.  Sing so loudly and clearly that confusion is calmed; turn desparation to generosity; self-preservation to selfless sacrafice.

Lord Jesus I pray a regime change over Haiti.  Drive out the spirit of oppression, of poverty, of corruption.  I trust that the earthquake shook and destroyed the very foundations of those spirits in that nation.  Break strong holds there.  Father I ask not just for a new government, but Your Kingdom and culture to invade the hearts of  the people of the land. 

Father you know the people of Haiti have humble hearts, awe-filled hearts.  They are open to things that Your Holy Spirit can do.  Do those things!  Over flow their cups, lift their eyes from humility to healing.  Let them feel awe like they never knew- give that awe and wonder Your name!

Abba, Daddy- be close to the broken hearted.  Hold them in your arms like a father rocks a baby.  Salve the wounds.  Restore what has been lost.   Whisper to them you are good.

Holy Spirit strengthen the people working there.   Give them focus, knowledge, discernment.  Keep them from harms way.  Bring unity and one-mindedness to the people, governments, and agencies there to help.

In our weakness Your strength is made perfect.  Let anything that happens in Haiti bring glory to You- that no one can boast, but only in Your goodness, provision, and providence.

Father, You are good.  You are sovereign.  We thank you now for the tangible and wonderful ways in which You will bless Haiti.  We praise You and bless Your name!

Seal this with your Spirit and in the name of Jesus- Amen.

I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you
When you’re gone
She says, I love you
I’m gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don’t talk about the end
Don’t talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I’ve got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don’t talk about the end
Don’t talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,
All along I thought
I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die
Die, die
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let Your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

Give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you’ve found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us, today, our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

I and Love and You

Load the car and write the note
grab your bag and grab your coat
tell ones that need to know
we are headed north

one foot in and one foot back
but it don’t pay to live like that
so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
for never to return

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

when at first i learned to speak
i used all my words to fight
with him and her and you and me
oh its just a waste of time
its such a waste of time

that women shes got eyes that shine
like a pair of stolen polished dimes
she asked to dance i said its fine
ill see you in the morning time

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
what you were then i am today
look at the things i do

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

dumbed down and numbed my time and age
you dreams to catch this world the cage
the highway sets the travelers stage
all exits look the same
three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you
i and love and you

Birds beneath my window dustying their wings upon the lawn
I hear them in the morning light giving last amen to a migratory song
They’re never looking round for me—their eyes are on the sky or the ground below
But I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

You were beautiful when I first saw your feathers and confectionery airs
Like the earth it up and promised you the stars but you really didn’t care
I sang in exultation pulled the stops—you always looked a little bored
But I’m singing for the love of it—have mercy on the man who sings to be adored

Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone
OOOOOOOOH!

I’m underneath your window now—it’s long after the birds have gone to roost
And I’m not sure if I’m singing for the love of it or for the love of you
But I’ve flown a long way honey hear my confession then I’ll go
I’d rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know
Hello brown one, hello blue one
Last night’s feathers exchanged for new ones
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter’s over be my darling
It’s been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone

-josh ritter

Dr. Lancaster has been living with CF, cystic fibrosis, his whole life.  It is a disease that mainly affects your pancreas and lungs.  The results are: 1.  you cannot absorb calories efficiently so you end up eating 6-7K calories a day in hopes of maintaining your weight and getting nutrients.  2.  thick, mucus builds up in your lungs, making gas exchange increasingly impossible.  CF patients usually have short lives, in the 20′s and 30′s unless they have lung transplants. 

Well, thankfully, Dr. L has had that- a double lung transplant to be exact.  Praise Jesus, right?!  Yes, would be his answer.   But after seeing the havoc a transplant organ, especially one resposible for your breathing, can wreck on a person, I might answer differently.  But after numerous bouts of pnemonia, acute rejection, collapsed lungs, countless medications and their side effects, innumerable days laying in a hospital bed, weakness, fatigue, cancer and its treatments (oh yeah, he had that too!), and  Icould go on.   Dr. L continues to praise God.  He continues to trust Jesus.  He has his bad days as the blog I pasted below will convey.  But in the worst of human suffering that I can figure or as close as I’ve gotten- he just presses in closer to Jesus.  I don’t know if I’d have the faith. 

I don’t know if I would be able to thank God for a malfunctioning set of transplant lungs, but I know I am so grateful that men of Dr. L’s faith exist.  I’m pray God creates this kind of faith in me.   Here is a copy of one of his blogs.  Keep him in your prayers.

“I have received many prayers and get well cards during this time, and I want to thank all of you for them. God has brought so many great people into our lives to help out. Our neighbors have been mowing our lawn every week for us! People have taken me to doctors’ appointments and even gone with me to the emergency room. You know how long those can take. Today my mom took me to the dental school to pick up my office stuff that had been packed up, and we got to visit with all of the faculty, staff and students. I must say it was a really good time. I don’t miss the school that much, but I did miss the people. It really cheered me up! My mom is an angel. She pushed me around the school in my wheelchair and I am sure it wore her out.”

“God allows us to wander away and get angry, and stop looking to Him for our comfort. But He only allows it for a time. Eventually you have to come back to Him. I had to break down and cry out to him for help. That’s exactly what I did yesterday, and today He graciously put His arms around me for comfort. My problems are all still here but He is letting me handle them much better. I hope you can take my experiences and let God take care of you the same way.”